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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss