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Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.