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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?