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I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
Lets not get carried away it`s not like McDonalds shutdown
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
You know I feel the frustration that The Skipper endured because there are days that I too am surrounded by Gilligans
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.