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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing