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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
I dig, she digs, he digs, they dig, we dig. its not a good poem but its really deep.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.