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I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
I was feeling down...then all of a sudden I felt myself up. Win, win situation! ;)
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.