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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
Happy people don`t take long showers.
This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
My tricks aren`t for kids.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.