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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
So, I guess we’re just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
I flunked anger management class.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day