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"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.