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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
Karma takes too long ..... I`d rather beat the sh%t out of you.
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?