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That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
I`ve found that the best web designers in the world are spiders.
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.