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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
Is it rude to put *vomits* under someone`s post ?
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.