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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
is spending my children´s inheritance.
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.