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“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.