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I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
I wish common sense was more common.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?