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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.