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I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?