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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light