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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille....
I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?