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You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.