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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".