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I FINALLY "friended" my girlfriend on Facebook.. You know.. So I could get updates on our relationship status.. :|
My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
At least a stalker is there for you.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.