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One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
Similarities between BRA and BAR 1. Both have similar letters 2. Both are drinking zones 3. When both opened men go crazy "prove me wrong"
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.