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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
Running behind is my cardio.