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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.