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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!