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A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.