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The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..