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Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.