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If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to simply ignore you.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.