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Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
Step aside coffee, this job is going to take hard liquor.
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
Alright, I give up! I`ve listened to the song like 50 times now, and I still don`t know what the fox is saying!