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Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times