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Easy baked macaroni and cheese recipe: Boil macaroni in water.... follow the rest of the instructions on box. TADA!
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
Today I think I`ll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.