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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.