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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.