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You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
Valentines day
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.