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I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.