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Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.