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When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
My girlfriend left the lights on, on her Smart Car last night. This morning I had to jump start it with my Android.
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. Then they are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
You can not force anyone to love you ... The best you can do is stalk them and hope they give in :)