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A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.