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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
Wishing you a fabulous 2014 that is full of great achievements and experiences. A meaningful chapter waiting to be written HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
When I bust a move , it stays busted.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.