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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
I`m still kinda pissed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time