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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
Gym update: not there
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!