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It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
I’m not in denial, I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.