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363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
People in glass houses shouldn`t masturbate during the day....
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don`t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.