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I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It`s my first summer.
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?