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You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women