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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because .. I love fishing. -LOL
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.