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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.