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I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.