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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
I`m really wanting to sit and watch a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I only accept apologies in cash.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.