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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
I wonder what "don`t touch" is in Braille.
Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
"I get knocked down, but I get up again, You`re never gonna keep me down" ~Bowling pins
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.