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"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
cuss words = sentence enhancers
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.