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All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.