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She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.