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Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
I still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!