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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?