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Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
After 6 years, is it still all Bush`s fault or has it been reduced to "Unfortunate circumstances under no one`s control"?..............
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.