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common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Save water. Shower with me. ;)
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.