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I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.