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You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
I am NOT high maintenance, I simply have more preferences than most.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.