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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
Gym Update: Not there.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
scratch here ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal my status
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.