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As I said before, I never repeat myself.
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
is in no shape to exercise
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.
Girls just wanna have funds.
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.