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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
Is it annoying when people answer their own questions? Yes it is. Do I wish they would stop? Absolutely.
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!