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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
The irony of social media is that the majority of users are all alone.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.