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My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
Never underestimate the power of the web. -Charlotte
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait