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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
To-Do List: Nothing [?]
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.