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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.