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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.