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If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
Happy Wednesday 2014 Everyone!
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.