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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.