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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]