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some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.