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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.