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There are no bad pictures. That`s just how your face looks sometimes.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. Iām flattered.
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.