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Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
Not so great minds also think alike.
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.