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I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
Somedays I could do without the life lesson
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.