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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
I`m not saying you`re a slut but you`re dirtier than my browser history.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile ?
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?