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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.