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It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
Condoms prevent minivans.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.