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Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
when in Rome get naked ;)
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
Being human is expensive and exhausting.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.